The stranger in the Brooks Brothers suit peered inside the classroom. “Are you the animal husbandry around here?”
Mister Farnham eyed the visitor warily, sizing him up as a collection agency man . “I’m subbing for the regular Ag man. He has a Bernie Madoff court testimonial back East. Can I do you in for anything?”
“My name’s Pearls. Lefty Pearls from the Health Department,” taking his wallet & card out, all in the same motion.. ‘Fly inspector’.
“You know anything about maggots, young man?”
II
“Can’t say that I do, sir. I’m an Engl…..”“You ought to read up on them. Very technical , but very interesting. Great drama Great poetry. I got a stack of books at the office this high, ”he said…..” You know why I’m here. Your neighbors are complaining. They say your scholars from the Future Farmers of America aren’t keeping their animals clean …..everybody wants clean things these days. Nothing dirty anymore. Even dirty bombs are verboten. It must be a clean bomb. Some humans are even fussy about carrying dirty dollar bills .
Nor Bernie Madoff.playing out his 60 years in his 5th grade Sheik of Araby gig. And not even asking his home room teacher for the whoppen pass to the Ponzi swindle. Him 70 and looking at 150 years in the slammer,. manana...
“You gotta lose yourself to find yourself..”
Can’t be too particular on my Civil Service salary. And anyway we inspectors in Health & Maggot Research Development get samples of disinfectant. I’ll take a dirty dollar bill any day, young man.”
“Why don’t you dismiss your class? We’ll take a safari thru your animal pens. I’ll show you what I mean. By a top drawer inspection.”
III
The fly inspector bent down on his knees ad infinitum .But each time the original expression of hope &promise turned into pessimism and resignation….
In the last pen a jubilant smile of happy todays &better mananas creased his benevolent face. “You’ve heard of love nests, haven’t you, young man.? Well this pen is a maggot nest. You got a regular industry flourishing right here. An industry that puts automation, IBM computer driven Microsoft, Sputniks, space platforms, the Shuttle with a capitol ‘S’, man in space, on the moon, probing for aqua on Mars all to shame.
This is Nature’s Supreme Design. A maggot nest,”he said in almost the same reverence Mister Farnham heard music lovers speak of Bach’s ‘Saint Mathews Passion’
“Y’ know young man if I were really greedy like most inspectors I’d corner the market on maggots. Get myself a good production man. Line myself up with a distributor and a national outlet. Why I’d ….but the truth is I’m not out for money. This is strictly a labor of love.”
IV
“It’s wonderful, wonderful,”he cried.”I caught the maggot in the second stage…you see young man,there are four stages….first,the egg, the maggot, the pupae ,and the adult fly. The whole cycle takes 24 hours, the adult laying its eggs in deciduous trees and garbage cans….”.
V
Both men bonded, bouncing around like baby kangaroos feeling the terra firma for the first time, not knowing what to make of the karma...
The sub Ag man always keeping an eye on the inspector . And one step back in fear of moving ahead too aggressively, exploiting his position…..Lefty Pearls always nudging Mister Farnham when his hands came upon a fascinating sortie.
“My my this maggot is really one for the book. Just look at the size of it, young man. Why if we continue the way we’re evolving, I just don’t know. My name will be in the Civil Service
Health Bulletin. My wife will become famous. The publicity alone will change our lives..”
He scooped up a specimen, striking a pose. “It will be tremendous.”
“Fabulous,” said mister Farnham, eager to please with his sensibility.
“The taxpayers will know they’re getting their money’s worth of Lefty Pearls.. A picture of me myself and I holding a maggot. Nothing unselfish about the paparazzi…..”
“Young man, listen to me,” he said, nudging the substitute’s knees. “You’re great. I mean you’re really a great listener. A great explorer.. De Gama, Marco Polo, Columbus, Pounce De Leon.. Really great. I’ll clue in my supervisor. It might get an inch in our suburb’s “Who’s who”.
If the wire services pick it up, there’s no telling. The sky’s the limit on this minor planet, if I may drop a cliché.”
He wiped the smile from his cherubic cheeks. “Young man even if it’s against my better chemistry ,we can’t let the manure become a preservative. It has to go. Go man,” he cried, his jowls bouncing in ecstasy...
“I can’t help it. Maggots and manure do something to my basal metabolism. I don’t know what it is. Does it have the same effect on your chemistry, young man?”
“Sir, if you don’t want me to preserve the maggots, what do you advise me to do?” He asked, sidestepping the invasion of his chemistry., keeping the relationship on a high plane….
“Get some lime &sulfur .Add six inches of gypsum...and cap it. After it burns, bury the manure underneath. The larvae will never come to the surface. .The maggots will perish. I know it sounds mercenary but what can I do.. My hands are tied, young man. The neighbors are complaining. They don’t like your flies!”.
VI
Mister Farnham hippity hopped over to the spot where the Inspector was x raying a specimen like a Swiss watchmaker pinpointing a 21 jewel maggot from a 17 jewel..“How do you know for sure the flies they’re complaining about aren’t from their own garbage cans, sir?”
“We don’t young man. All we know is they’re taxpayers. They’re whupping our bread…….what we need is a control group like placebos…..”
“Can’t we put red flags on our maggots….and blue flags on their flies?”
It was getting dark as the sun was sinking behind the tall Palms ,overlooking the school’s pens….”I’ll have to think about it,” said the Inspector. “”I’ll have to think about it.”,turning his face upward to the darkening Heavens. “We public servants can’t take any steps on our own.. Make any decisions unless our department chief approves. That’s the Democratic thinking. It’s slow but that’s how the cookie crumbles. ”
He slowly rose to his feet, the color in his jowls warming to a cool fleshy pallor.. “Mister…..”
“Mister Farnham.”
“You have been wonderful company., Mister F.. I mean that sincerely..
You’re a born maggot hunter, mister F…”
“Thank you sir. I’m embarrassed. I never dreamt…..”
“May I ask you a personal favor?”
‘What can I do you in for , sir?”
“We know each other well enough , mister F. You can call me Lefty.”
“Yes, Lefty!”
“I’d like to borrow this specimen to show my Chief. Demonstrate my prowess….It’s a very healthy one. .I don’t think you’ll miss it, mister F. “
VII
“Lefty, you can keep it. ..It’s only Biology .Part of Nature’s Supreme Design. Just don’t say I never gave you anything.”
Both men looked straight into each other’s eyes…. shaking hands.. the sun setting and sinking beyond the Western horizon, darkness coming upon the High School’s animal pens……
April 8, 2011 revcisiting the North Hollywood High School site before the planet went ballistic....the Ivory Coast Yemen Syria Libya Egypt Tunisia...
